Paraprosdokians are figures of speech

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

  1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
  3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
  5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
  6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
  11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure...
  14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
  17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

More  at Paraprosdokian Fun

A little old lady enters a sex shop…

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she ask the sales clerk,

"Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss
ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"

Warm air rises

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied

"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"

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