Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.

The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for 20 minutes."

The Jewish man says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz [chicken fat]. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others say, "SIX HOURS? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

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For Married men "Do not try this at home"

A wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.

'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!,....and I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.

And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her....










... Apparently he's dead now ...but he died a


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Difficult when Drunk

  1. Innovative
  2. Preliminary
  3. Proliferation
  4. Cinnamon
  1. Specificity
  2. Anti-constitutionality
  3. Passive-aggressive disorder
  4. Trans substantiate 
  1. No thanks, I'm married.
  2. Nope, no more booze for me!
  3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
  4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
  5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
  6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
  7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
  8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.I'd hate to look like a fool!
  9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
  10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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Bubble Wrap

Keeps you busy...

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Diary Entry - The difference between Men and Women

WOMAN'S DIARY: 25th Oct 2008 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,

He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

MAN'S DIARY: Saturday 25 Oct

Australia lost the cricket.


Got a root though.

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Blame The Dog... again

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells,

"Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

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The Ultimate Fart Soundboard

Great for 8 year olds... and others
Wait for it to download. It can be slow the first time.

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

Wave at him.

Definition of agony

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

What has 4 legs and one arm?

A Doberman in a children's playground!

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Controlled Love

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice,

"Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he mumbled.

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"Jozin z bazin" - Czech song popular in Poland

Watch out for the dude who jumps up and sings during the chorus and then rests during the verses.

English Translation

Two cattle drovers

Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

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I love Microsoft


image007 image002 image003 image004 image005 image006

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The Monkey Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

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Bush plans WWIII

President George W. and Colin Powell are drinking in a pub close Old Town Square in Prague.

A guy walks in and asks the bartender,"Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow,this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III," and the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big breasts."

A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis.

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Measuring Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

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Our Computers Are Down



Six Chix

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Woman Goes Back to Work After Many Years

Original title:

Blonde Goes Back to Work After Many Years

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George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the devil.

'You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

'No!' I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,  'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said:   'Ok, Monica, you're free to go!'

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1943 Guide to Hiring Women

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from western properties:

1. If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages, according to the reports of western companies: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than do their unmarried sisters; they're less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it — maybe a sick husband or one who's in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most transportation companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public, have a hard time adapting themselves, are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that "husky" girls — those who are just a little on the heavy side — are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination — one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Transit companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders.

5. In breaking in women who haven't previously done outside work, stress at the outset the importance of time — the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employe in garage or office a definite day-long schedule of duties so that she'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employe change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they're happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman — it breaks her spirit and cuts her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator uniforms that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy, according to western properties.



Why did the ...?

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again ?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser

Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ?
Because he didn't have enough guts

Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
To get to the other slide

More (1)...

Why did the cow cross the road ?
To get to the udder side !

More (1)...

Why did the rooster run away ?
He was chicken !

More (2)...

Why did the chicken cross the road half way ?
He wanted to lay it on the line !


Why did the hen cross the street?
To see a man lay bricks.

See Kids Chicken Jokes

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And finally ... Why did the bacteria cross the road?

20 Puns

  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
  7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
    'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'  
    'Is it common?'  
    'Well, 'It's Not Unusual.''
  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'    'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.  
    'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  11. I went  to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
  12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor,
    doctor, I can't feel my legs!' 
    The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'
  13. I went to a seafood disco last week ....and pulled a mussel.
  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh.
  15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
  16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
    After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 
    'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 
    'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
  18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.    Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.   
    Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
  19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,  he suffered from bad breath. This made him.
    A super-calloused fragile mystichexed by halitosis.
  20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

I had some words with my wife

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

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Lips That Touch Liquor Shall Not Touch Ours

Make a woman happy. Make a man happy.

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. a companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate


45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls


51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


54. Never to forget:
     * birthdays
     * anniversaries
     * arrangements she makes


1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer


A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG"!!

The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "B-----!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

ATM Bomb Bandits blow up their getaway car

ATM Explosion, Clovelly Road, Clovelly. Thieves exploded the Bendigo Bank ATM and had to abandon their getaway car, an Audi sedan after they were caught out when the explosion was premature.

The Thieves then carjacked a second car to make their escape.

Pics Bill Hearne


Candidates for the "Darwin Awards"

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later, she became his stepmother.



Gratuitous George Bush joke

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White  House from across Pennsylvania  Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park  bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard  and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President  Bush."

The  Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush  is no longer president and no longer resides  here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked  away.

The following day, the same man approached  the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to  go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer  president  and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third  day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the  very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably  agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this  is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak  to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here.  Don't  you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and  said, "Oh, I understand.  I just love hearing  it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and  said, "See you tomorrow."

Dictionary for women's personal ads


40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker


1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?


1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Because I'm a man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..... ( applies to engineers mainly).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men


Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

  • In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
  • Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
  • While Samurai Bank fell on its sword, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
  • Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

George Burns

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

At my age flowers scare me.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family another city.

I spent a year in that town,
... one Sunday.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
... The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

A Good Choice

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting married?”


“Do I know her?”


“This woman, is she good looking?”

“Not really.”

“Is she a good cook?”

“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”

“Does she have lots of money?”

“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”

“Well, then, is she good in bed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”

“Because she can still drive!”

Hospital Regulations

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman–already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet–who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

Test Your Eyes

This will flummox you.

Count every " F" in the following text:


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Germaine Greer on Michelle Obama's Dress

This comment piece must be a joke. It's certainly not serious comment.

Read the full Guardian story here:

If Michelle Obama's such a great dresser, what was she doing in this red butcher's apron?

Mafia Lawyer

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don ' t know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'

Bullshit and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard!  I wonder if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with  great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they  get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts ..

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

How to Shower: Women vs. Men - The movie

See Shower Protocol

It pays to check

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.  I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Managing Women After Retirement

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show  her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's  not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.  But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.

That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Jim


Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of  grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Shower Protocol

How To Shower Like a Woman

  • Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
  • Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
  • If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
  • Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
  • Get in the shower.
  • Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
  • Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
  • Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
  • Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
  • Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
  • Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
  • Rinse conditioner off hair.
  • Shave armpits and legs.
  • Turn off shower.
  • Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
  • Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
  • Get out of shower.
  • Dry with towel the size of a small country.
  • Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
  • Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
  • If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

  • Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
  • Walk naked to the bathroom.
  • If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the  'woo-woo' sound.
  • Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
  • Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
  • Get in the shower.
  • Wash your face.
  • Wash your armpits.
  • Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
  • Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
  • Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
  • Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
  • Wash your hair.
  • Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
  • Wee.
  • Rinse off and get out of shower.
  • Partially dry off.
  • Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
  • Admire willy size in mirror again.
  • Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
  • Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
  • If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
  • Throw wet towel on bed. 

See:  How to Shower: Women vs. Men - The movie

Welsh Comedian Arrives in Australia With Luggage Problems

Rhod Gilbert

Rhod Gilbert at the Comedy Store - Part 3

Part 3 of Welsh comedian Rhod Gilbert live at the Comedy Store.

Rhod Gilbert at the Comedy Store - Part 2

Part 2 of Welsh comedian Rhod Gilbert live at the Comedy Store.

Rhod Gilbert at the Comedy Store - Part 1

Part 1 of Welsh comedian Rhod Gilbert live at the Comedy Store.

What I Want in a Man


What I Want in a Man - Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3.  Financially successful
4.  A caring listener
5.  Witty
6.  In good shape
7.  Dresses with style
8.  Appreciates finer things
9.  Full of thoughtful surprises
10.  An imaginative, romantic lover 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

clip_image0021. Nice looking 
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Not too ugly clip_image003
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed clip_image004
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasions
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Doesn't scare small children! clip_image005
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)

1. Breathing clip_image006
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

The Wheels of Life

The Wheels of Life


Aging #3

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
     "Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
     "I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself."

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
     I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
     "No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, have a lot of girl friends?
     "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care?"

Aging #2

Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, energetic men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy.  If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:  Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'I remember these!'

Aging #1

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner... 

Our young daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. 

When we arrived home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with China, crystal and candles, and there was a note which read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator.  ...  We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

My husband turned to me and said, "I suppose we could vacuum."


Click here for Crabby Road - Daily Online Comic




Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.