George Burns

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

At my age flowers scare me.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family
...in another city.

I spent a year in that town,
... one Sunday.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
... The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.