Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.

The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for 20 minutes."

The Jewish man says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz [chicken fat]. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others say, "SIX HOURS? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

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For Married men "Do not try this at home"

A wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.

'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!,....and I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.

And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her....










... Apparently he's dead now ...but he died a


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Difficult when Drunk

  1. Innovative
  2. Preliminary
  3. Proliferation
  4. Cinnamon
  1. Specificity
  2. Anti-constitutionality
  3. Passive-aggressive disorder
  4. Trans substantiate 
  1. No thanks, I'm married.
  2. Nope, no more booze for me!
  3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
  4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
  5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
  6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
  7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
  8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.I'd hate to look like a fool!
  9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
  10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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Bubble Wrap

Keeps you busy...

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Diary Entry - The difference between Men and Women

WOMAN'S DIARY: 25th Oct 2008 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,

He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

MAN'S DIARY: Saturday 25 Oct

Australia lost the cricket.


Got a root though.

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Blame The Dog... again

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells,

"Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

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The Ultimate Fart Soundboard

Great for 8 year olds... and others
Wait for it to download. It can be slow the first time.

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

Wave at him.

Definition of agony

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

What has 4 legs and one arm?

A Doberman in a children's playground!

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Controlled Love

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice,

"Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he mumbled.

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"Jozin z bazin" - Czech song popular in Poland

Watch out for the dude who jumps up and sings during the chorus and then rests during the verses.

English Translation

Two cattle drovers

Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

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I love Microsoft


image007 image002 image003 image004 image005 image006

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The Monkey Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

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Bush plans WWIII

President George W. and Colin Powell are drinking in a pub close Old Town Square in Prague.

A guy walks in and asks the bartender,"Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow,this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III," and the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big breasts."

A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis.

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Measuring Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

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Our Computers Are Down



Six Chix

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Woman Goes Back to Work After Many Years

Original title:

Blonde Goes Back to Work After Many Years

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George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the devil.

'You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

'No!' I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,  'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said:   'Ok, Monica, you're free to go!'

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1943 Guide to Hiring Women

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from western properties:

1. If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages, according to the reports of western companies: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than do their unmarried sisters; they're less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it — maybe a sick husband or one who's in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most transportation companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public, have a hard time adapting themselves, are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that "husky" girls — those who are just a little on the heavy side — are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination — one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Transit companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders.

5. In breaking in women who haven't previously done outside work, stress at the outset the importance of time — the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employe in garage or office a definite day-long schedule of duties so that she'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employe change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they're happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman — it breaks her spirit and cuts her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator uniforms that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy, according to western properties.



Why did the ...?

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again ?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser

Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ?
Because he didn't have enough guts

Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
To get to the other slide

More (1)...

Why did the cow cross the road ?
To get to the udder side !

More (1)...

Why did the rooster run away ?
He was chicken !

More (2)...

Why did the chicken cross the road half way ?
He wanted to lay it on the line !


Why did the hen cross the street?
To see a man lay bricks.

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And finally ... Why did the bacteria cross the road?

20 Puns

  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
  7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
    'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'  
    'Is it common?'  
    'Well, 'It's Not Unusual.''
  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'    'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.  
    'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  11. I went  to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
  12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor,
    doctor, I can't feel my legs!' 
    The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'
  13. I went to a seafood disco last week ....and pulled a mussel.
  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh.
  15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
  16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
    After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 
    'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 
    'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
  18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.    Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.   
    Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
  19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,  he suffered from bad breath. This made him.
    A super-calloused fragile mystichexed by halitosis.
  20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

I had some words with my wife

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

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Lips That Touch Liquor Shall Not Touch Ours

Make a woman happy. Make a man happy.

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. a companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate


45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls


51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


54. Never to forget:
     * birthdays
     * anniversaries
     * arrangements she makes


1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer