Apple does it again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
An Irish Blonde Joke
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy,
'Isn't that just like a blonde! We Need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.
Reindeer Games
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year
- Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December
- Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known...
ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers:
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?...
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers:
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?''Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
After-Christmas exercises
At last a sensible Christmas exercise programme to burn off the calories after that third helping of pudding...
If you're over 25 you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme.
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That's enough for the first day. Have some chocolate.
The Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever
Good news is that I truly outdid myself this year with my Christmas decorations. 
The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories...but two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked their cars when they drove by.
Second, a 55-year-old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (and she was not happy). By the way, she was just one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up into my yard.
Blondes
Barking Dog…
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!”
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
Two Blondes at the Drive-in
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
A blonde with her finger shot off
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants.. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.’
Think about it.
Two blondes repairing a car
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde room-mate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The room-mate rolled her eyes and said,
'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
Blonde and the thermos flask
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied.....
...'Two icy poles and some coffee.'
Blonde bereavement
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
Mrs. Malaprop Malapropisms
[obliterate]
[resolve]
[pinnacle]
[proposition]
[hysterics]
[eligible]
[comprehend]
[alligator]
[influence]
[particulars]
[allusions]
[intercepted]
[desisted]
[phraseology]
[exposed]
[article]
[benevolence]
[recommendation]
[apprehend, vernacular, arrangement, epithets]
Read more in Wikipedia
Bushisms
- "Oftentimes, we live in a processed world, you know, people focus on the process and not results."
- "The law I sign today directs new funds... to the task of collecting vital intelligence... on weapons of mass production."
- "It will take time to restore chaos and order."
- "They have miscalculated me as a leader."
- "Natural gas is hemispheric... because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."
- "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."
- "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."
- "We are making steadfast progress."
George W, Bush
Read more in Wikipedia
Celebrity malapropisms
- "Your ambition - is that right - is to abseil across the English channel?"
Cilla Black - "It is beyond my apprehension."
Danny Ozark, baseball team manager - "Listen to the blabbing brook."
Norm Crosby - "This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House - "She's really tough; she's remorseful."
David Moorcroft - "And then he [Mike Tyson] will have only channel vision."
Frank Bruno, boxer - "Cardial - as in cardial arrest."
Eve Pollard - "Marie Scott... has really plummeted to the top."
Alan Weeks - "He's going up and down like a metronome."
Ron Pickering - "He's on 90... 10 away from that mythical figure."
Trevor Bailey, cricket commentator - "Unless somebody can pull a miracle out of the fire, Somerset are cruising into the semi-final."
Fred Trueman - "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile."
George W. Bush - "The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder."
Richard Daley, former Chicago mayor - "He was a man of great statue."
Thomas Menino, Boston mayor - "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
Dan Quayle, Vice President - "Well, that was a cliff-dweller."
Wes Westrum, about a close baseball game - "If Gower had stopped that [cricket ball] he would have decapitated his hand."
Farokh Engineer - "We seem to have unleased a hornet's nest."
Valerie Singleton - "This series has been swings and pendulums all the way through."
Trevor Bailey, cricket commentator - "Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
Mike Smith, ordering a salad at a restaurant - "It's got lots of installation."
Mike Smith, describing his new coat
Read more in Wikipedia
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
How can you tell there's a singer at your door?
They forgot the key and they don't know when to come in!
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When the banjo lands in the exact center of the dumpster
... on the accordion.
How do you get two oboe players to play in tune?
Shoot one of them.
What's the definition of a semitone?
Two oboists playing in unison.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but there are three more standing by thinking, "I can do it better."
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A Flat miner.
How do you get a trombone player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
What do you do if there is a trombone player limping around in your back yard?
Stop laughing and reload.
What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A pizza feeds a family of four.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
Vibrato.
What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What is the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead accordion player in the road?
The snake might have been on its way to a gig.
What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?
Homeless.
How can you tell when the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
How do you know when there's a drummer knocking on your door?
The knocking keeps speeding up and they don't know when to come in.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the keyboardist can do it with one hand.
Find the one that doesn't fit:
- The Easter Bunny
- An accordion player with a credit card
- Salvador Dali
Answer: c. Salvador Dali. He's dead but at least he's real.
Pensioners 'kidnap and torture' financial adviser with Zimmer frame
See the whole article here in The Age
My new deodorant
I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells awesome.
Diabolical Scam against Older Men
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Safeway, Coles, or IGL customers. This one caught me by surprise and I am still paying the price.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic for me and is having a lasting impact. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
- Two seriously good-looking 20-something young women come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. I found it impossible not to look.
- When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No, but could you please take us down to McDonalds?' If you agree, they get into the back seat.
- When this happened to me, on the way to McDonalds they started undressing. Then one of them climbed over into the front seat and started crawling all over me, while the other one stole my wallet.
I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also, on October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, then 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, and then the same thing started all over again in November. It happened three times last Monday and it is quite likely to occur again this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant and ready for this scam.
K- Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at the $2 Shop in Sydney Rd and bought out all their supplies.
Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost five kilos just running back and forth from Safeway and Coles to IGL.
Japanese Hotel Service
A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ..
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes...'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read,
'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit
......... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end...
A Christmas Letter to God
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The ULTIMATE in Women’s Body Piercing
Biggest turn on for guys!
Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure...
The going rate on the east coast now exceeds $10,000.
Many men feel it is worth it.
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Two Golfers
Two golfers were preparing to tee off the 9th hole when one of them noticed a hearse going along the road next to the course.
He abruptly stopped in mid swing, took of his hat and bowed his head.
“That was a very respectful thing to do, Fred.”
“Well it was the least I could do. I’ve been married to her for 47 years.”
Super Sex
Tom who had put his dad in a nursing home, decided he wanted to do something special for his lonely dad on his 90th birthday.
Tom called an escort service and said, "I want you to give my dad SUPER SEX!"
The clerk replied, "I have just the woman."
So right after lunch Tom’s dad was relaxing in his room watching Jeporady, when this beautiful woman walked in and said, "I'm here to give you super sex"
The old man said, "I'll take the soup."
Sexual Difficulties for Oldies
After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after we have sex the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
Later, after examining the elderly gentleman's wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?" She replied she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then told her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in January."
Coughing up the money
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10 cent coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 cent coins but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his trousers; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then very firmly..
Tighter and tighter!!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10 cent coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor... Or a paramedic ? "
"No......." the woman replied.....
I'm with the Australian Tax Office."
Grand Final Seats
It's the AFL Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'
'This is incredible', said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?'
The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'
'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'
The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'
Ya Ya Sisters Recipe
Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss
Afternoon Tea
1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips
Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars
Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.
Thought for the day - Cricket
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took men 100 years to realise that the brain is also important.
Crabs from the Big Easy
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out..
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took the crabs home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
- Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
- Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
Some thoughts for the day
| WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL |
| I have kleptomania, |
| FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! |
| Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. |
| Kinky is using a feather. |
| Heaven is Where: |
| Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! |
| My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. |
| Welcome to |
| In just two days from now, |
| A bartender is just a pharmacist |
| The statement below is true. |
| I may be schizophrenic, |
| I am a Nobody. |
|
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| I'm not your type. |
| Dyslexics Have More Nuf. |
| I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE |
| Preserve the Spotted Owl |
| Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, |
| When you work here, |
| money isn't everything, |
| Reality is only an illusion |
| I like cats too. |
| Red meat is not bad for you |
| I am having an out-of-money experience. |
| As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!" |
| Don't sweat the petty things. |
| Corduroy pillows are making headlines! |
| I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, |
| I FOUND JESUS! |
Farting along
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Evolution of Man
A little girl asked her mother:
'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered,
'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered,
'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered,
'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'
Learning to swear
A 7 year old & a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to
swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.
"Oh shit mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, & ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old & asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops!"
The hippie & the bus driver
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:
"Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her."
"Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a go, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"
How to properly hold on while the train is in motion
I am, of course, referring to the older gentleman by the door!!!
But you already knew that!
Ireland's worst air disaster
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
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