It's a frickin' elephant

A class of five-year old students are learning to read.

One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

"Look at this!   It's a frickin' elephant!"

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant!   It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...

" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Finally Together

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried, and this time,
She & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Sanding before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?

Margaret replied:....                             

"I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

How to make a Magic Milkshake

A story for children © John Sawyer – March 2009

Milkshakes are much prized for their refreshing taste and the calcium that builds young bones. The magic properties of this recipe include enhanced reading and writing skills as well as a heightened sense of humour.


Make sure you collect all ingredients before you start preparation (leave the milk in the refrigerator until just before you use it).

Ninth Leg of a Daddy Long Legs X 98

The magic properties of this ingredient have made it extremely popular in other recipes.
This has made nine legged Daddy Long Legs difficult to find in the wild.
Of course, eight legged Daddy Long Legs are easy to find; these have already had their ninth leg removed.
Keep trying or buy this ingredient from a reputable supplier. My sponsor, “Mandrake’s Marvellous Magic Marquee” has a ready supply of ninth legs that have been harvested humanely from Daddy Long Legs bred in captivity. (See box below)

Easter Bunny Fur Collected during spring moult X 23 brown strands

Only the brown strands can be used. Any black or white fur must be removed and kept out of this drink.
I keep these in a matchbox and use them in other recipes (see “How to make Satay Snowballs” on page 327).

Droppings from Santa’s Reindeers collected during deliveries on Christmas Eve X 250 milligrams

While the droppings from Rudolf are much prized, the output from Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen works just as well.
Experienced magicians know to avoid all by-products from Blitzen.

Bee’s Bottoms X 3

All ingredients except milk, marshmallows and powered chocolate are available from:

Malcolm McGregor
Merchandise Manager
Mandrake’s Marvellous Magic Marquee
Marmaduke Mews
Middle Meadows

Castor Oil X 2 tablespoons

White Marshmallows X 2

If you can’t get hold of two white marshmallows, you may use three pink marshmallows instead.

Powdered Drinking Chocolate X 2 spoons

Cold Milk X 1 large glass


You will need the following tools:

  1. Mortar and Pestle
  2. Small frying pan
  3. Drink Shaker
    I use a large peanut butter jar. One that still has traces of peanut butter is very good because this enhances the flavour and texture to the drink.


  1. Remove the toenails from the Daddy Long Legs legs and discard. They are useless for any other purpose.
  2. Take the reindeer droppings and use the mortar and pestle to pound these into a fine powder
  3. Gradually add the Easter Bunny Fur, Bee’s Bums and Daddy Long Legs legs to the mortar and mix vigorously.
  4. Add two drops of water and form the powder into a flat pancake
  5. Heat the Castor Oil in the frying pan
  6. Fry the pancake until it is golden brown on each side
  7. While the pancake is cooking, pour the milk into the drink shaker, add the chocolate powder and shake vigorously.
    REMEMBER to place the lid on the drink shaker. I forgot this one day. There is still a large chocolate coloured stain on the kitchen ceiling.
  8. Pour the milk mix into a glass and add the marshmallows to float on the top.
  9. When the pancake has been cooked, throw it in the garbage bin. It is far too yucky to be eaten by humans.
  10. Sit back in a comfy chair, open your favourite book and enjoy your “Magic Milkshake”.

Coming up in future episodes:

  • How to make food to repel and repulse visitors
  • How to turn a vegetable samosa into a skateboard
  • The “best of” really stinky food recipes
  • How to scare your friends by connecting an iPod to a banana and making it complain when they take a bite
  • How to make smelly slug sauce
  • How to make a hat from a ham sandwich



See more stories from John Sawyer here.

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Paddy Pedestrian


Watch to the end...

Dear Doctor Phil

Dear Dr. Phil
When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime - bass fishing.  I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do.  We quickly became fishing buddies.  As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing.  She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever.  Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother !

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.  Instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore !  And she wants me to sell the boat !  I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.  What would you do ?  Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists ?




P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.





Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass !

Simple Color Test

Originally from:

Think Outside the Box

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

  1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
  2. An old friend who once saved your life.
  3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

  1. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
  2. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
  3. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.

"I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is

to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery,

have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,

then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

Boom Boom Jokes

Why did the dolphin kill himself?

He had no porpoise in his life!

A horse enters a bar and walks over to the bartender, the bartender looks at the horse and says,

hey buddy, why the long face?

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey."

The horse says "Sure."

Where do you find a legless turtle?

Right where you left him!

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

A white horse trotted into a pub and asked for a whisky. The barman said "Certainly Sir, which one would you like? We've got Bell's, Teachers', Famous Grouse and we've even got one named after you."

"What, Eric?" said the white horse.

Two elephants jumped off a cliff.......


What's blue and has big ears?

An elephant at the North Pole!

For more Boom Boom Jokes

visit Jack Craig's Extremely bad jokes

A Small Accident

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Sylvia Park and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. XX

PS: Your girlfriend phoned.


Church Bulletin Board

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!

Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.                             

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.                             

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.  Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain..'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,

'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains , because they've actually been used.'

Neighbourhood Dispute gets Fingered

A town councillor in Wales, Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the land below his house and built a new home.

The new home was 18 inches higher than the planning dept had approved, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the local authority to make sure they enforced the roof line height. 

The new neighbour had to drop the roof height, at great expense.

Recently, Mark Easton called the planning dept, and informed them that his new neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his new property.
Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the planning dept to investigate.

When they went to Mark's home to see what the vents looked like, this is what they found... 





The Taxman Cometh

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to your  Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

WORD FOR THE DAY - Liquidity


Liquidity:  When you look at your investments and wet your pants

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again.
The local paper read:


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.  
The next day, the local paper headline read:


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. 
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. 
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:


The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.. 
The next day the paper read:


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:


The bishop was buried the next day. 

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's donkey and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!