My Joke Site: April 2009

Generous Lawyer

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man,

“Why are you eating grass?”

“'We don't have any money for food,” the poor man replied, “'we have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

“Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!”

Billy Connolly - Incontinence Pants

Billy Connolly- as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit (The movie)

Bank Mergers - global financial crisis

If the global crisis continues at the present rate by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational:

the Blood Bank and
the Sperm Bank.

And before you know it, these two will merge,

and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Paid To Do It, But Fails To Make His Friend's Wife Pregnant After 72 Attempts

In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honorable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant.

It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.

So, Soupolos, after calming his wife’s protests, hired his neighbor, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.

Soupolos paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.

When his own wife objected, he explained, "I don’t like this any more than you. I’m simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."

When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.

The doctor’s announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.

Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.

Please discuss:

A woman's rule book - how to deal with men

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh alright, I'll stay the night."
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "you may be, you look familiar."

Prince Philip - The 'Best Of'

"I am truly fed up with the opening and closing ceremonies. They are a pain in the neck." He added that he hoped to do "as little as possible" during the London Olympics in 2012.

"Do you still throw spears at each other?" To Aboriginal tribal leaders in Cairns.

"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed." On the 1981 recession.

"If you stay here any longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed." To British students in China in 1986.

"It looks as though it was put together by an Indian." About a fusebox in an Edinburgh factory.

"How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them to pass the test." To a driving instructor in Scotland.

"You are a women, aren't you?" To a gift-bearing native in Kenya in 1984.

"The bastards murdered half my family." On Russians in 1967.

"If it doesn't fart or eat hay, she is not interested." On Princess Anne's love of horses.

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.
I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?
Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
When something is 'new and improved!'
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When people say "life is short".
What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet? If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?
People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did they used to be? Ear’s? Wellington boots?
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
People who announce they are going to the toilet.
Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.
It has to be a McChicken burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks.
Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.