Who kissed the green frog?
Accident Compensation
A man wakes up in Hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says,
'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the M8.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
'You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap... It's £1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this.
'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want'.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
...
The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting a new kitchen.'
Light bulb joke
How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Two...
... but I don't really know how they get in there!"
Two Women in Heaven
1st woman:
"Hi! My name is Sandra."
2nd woman:
"Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?"
1st woman:
"I froze to death."
2nd woman:
"How horrible!"
1st woman:
"It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
2nd woman:
"I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."
1st woman:
"So, what happened?"
2nd woman:
"I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
"I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement.
"Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
"I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
1st woman:
"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive."
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Little Red Riding hood...
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a Big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.' The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, And this time he is crouched behind a bush.
'My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.' Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About a half mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the Wolf again, and this time he is crouched down
behind a rock.
'My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf.' With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you f*** off? I'm trying to have a s**t.'
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