The Two Ronnies - Fork handles

Ireland's worst air disaster

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night 

 
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Tommy Cooper - one liners

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'

I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,
'Do you want an aquarium?'

I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today,

and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'

I said 'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood'

I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags.

He's bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.'

He said, 'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue.

I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today,

but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of
voluntary work?

I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'

He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me
on?'

I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything.'

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'

He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom

and he says 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first'

He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'
He said 'You're closest'

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.

I said 'I careered off the road'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.

It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires.

I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'

I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.'

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?'

I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'

He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'

'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

 
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A beautiful woman went to see a gynaecologist

A  beautiful woman went to see a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at  the stunning woman and all his professionalism went out of the  window.

He  told her to get undressed.

After  she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he  asked her, 'Do  you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,'  she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological  abnormalities.'

'That's  right,' said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her  breasts. 'Do  you know what I am doing now?' he asked.

'Yes,'  she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast  cancer.'

'Correct,'  replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started  having sexual intercourse with her. He  asked, 'Do you know what I am doing  now?'

'Yes,'  she said, 'You're getting the Clap, which is why I came here in the  first place.'

Why women don't take men on vacation

Car for Sale - Only one driver

Automobile for Sale

1985  Blue  Volkswagen

Only 50  miles.

Only first gear and reverse ever used.   

Never driven hard. Original tires.  Original brakes.

Original fuel and  oil

Only 1 driver. Owner wishing to  sell due to employment lay-off.

See the photo below

 

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Dial "9" for Emergencies

Visit here for a random failure.

Rectum stretcher

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.

I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.'

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face - PRICELESS!

Dutiful Wives

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties..

Terry had married a woman from Greece .

He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy ..

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

God Bless Australian Women

The 3 bears - The Truth

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he Roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!

Simplicity Greeting Cards

Don't you wish at times that things could be as simple as this . . . ?

 

Give a shit

 

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Fractional Understanding

4 out of 3 people don't understand fractions.

Exam Howlers

1. "Tackling climate change will require an unpresidented response."
2. "The Handmaid's Tale shows how patriarchy treats women as escape goats."
3. ... the failure of Northern Rock was due in part to the "laxative enforcement policies" of the regulator.
4. ... asked to outline the importance of the railway in 19th-century Britain, said: "The railways were invented to bring the Irish from Dublin to Liverpool where they were promptly arrested for being vagrants."
5. or "The railways were invented to take the weight off the motorways."

Fractured English - Part 3

1. Make sure each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
2. Just between you and I, the case of pronoun is important.
3. Watch out for irregular verbs which have crope into English.
4. Verbs has to agree in number with their subjects.
5. Don't use no double negatives.
6. Being bad grammar, a writer should not use dangling modifiers.
7. Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
8. A writer must be not shift your point of view.
9. About sentence fragments.
10. Don't use run-on sentences you got to punctuate them.
11. In letters essays and reports use commas to separate items in series.
12. Don't use commas, which are not necessary.
13. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
14. Its important to use apostrophes right in everybodys writing.
15. Don't abbrev.
16. Check to see if you any words out.
17. In the case of a report, check to see that jargonwise, it's A-OK.
18. As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.
19. About repetition, the repetition of a word might be real effective repetition - take, for instance the repetition of Abraham Lincoln.
20. In my opinion, I think that an author when he is writing should definitely not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words that he does not really need in order to put his message across.
21. Use parallel construction not only to be concise but also clarify.
22. It behooves us all to avoid archaic expressions.
23. Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be weeded out.
24. Consult the dictionery to avoid mispelings.
25. To ignorantly split an infinitive is a practice to religiously avoid.
26. Last but not least, lay off cliches.

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Fractured English - Part 2

As owner of the world's largest collection of "fumblerules" of grammar, William Safire, in his book On Language passes along a bunch of these never say-neversms:

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
3. Proof read carefully to see if you any words out.
4. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
5. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language.
6. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors.
7. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
8. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.
9. Don't string too many prepositional phrases together, unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death.
10. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks".' "
11. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
12. Eschew dialect, irregardless.
13. Don't overuse exclamation marks! ! !
14. Write all adverbial forms correct.
15. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
16. Avoid colloquial stuff.
17. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.

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Fractured English - Part 1

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not a person to do  such thing is please not to read notice.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. 
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor.
Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. 

In a Paris hotel elevator: 

Please leave your values at the front desk. 

In a hotel in Athens: 

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours  of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. 

In a Yugoslavian hotel: 

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. 

In a Japanese hotel: 

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: 

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: 

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose  in the boots of ascension. 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: 

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. 

On the menu of a Polish hotel: 

Salad a firm's own make;
limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;
roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: 

Ladies may have a fit upstairs. 

In a Bangkok dry cleaners: 

Drop your trousers here for best results. 

Outside a Paris dress shop: 

Dresses for street walking. 

In a Rhodes tailor shop: 

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. 

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: 

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of  different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: 

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: 

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. 

In a Rome laundry: 

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today -- no ice cream. 

In a Bangkok temple: 

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: 

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: 

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: 

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. 

In a Budapest zoo: 

Please do not feed the animals.
If you have any suitable food,  give it to the guard on duty. 

In the office of a Roman doctor: 

Specialist in women and other diseases. 

In an Acapulco hotel: 

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: 

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. 

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: 

Cooles and Heates.
If you want just condition of warm in your room,  please control yourself. 

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: 

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him  melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. 

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

English well talking. - Here speeching American.

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Genetically Modified Orga... err Orga...

Liberal backbencher Jason Wood had multiple orgasms in parliament while he was talking about the need for the government to conduct a review into genetically modified organisms and the safety of GM foods.

Looking forward to retirement

My wife said: "Watcha doin' today?"

I said: "Nothing"

She said: "You did that yesterday."

I said: "I wasn't finished."