Grand Final Seats

It's the AFL Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the  wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'

'This is incredible',  said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final  and not use it?'

The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed  to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'

'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find  someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'

The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'

Ya Ya Sisters Recipe

Breakfast

     1 grapefruit
     1 slice whole wheat toast
     1 cup skim milk

Lunch

     1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
     1 cup spinach
     1 cup herbal tea
     1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Tea

     1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
     1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner

     4 glasses of wine (red or white)
     2 loaves garlic bread
     1 family size supreme pizza
     3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack 

     1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

    Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

Ya Ya Sisters – thoughts for the day

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“Black Paper” money scam

Read more here

Coyote Finally Catches Roadrunner

Thought for the day - Cricket

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took men 100 years to realise that the brain is also important.

Crabs from the Big Easy

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs  and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took  the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for  them staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out..

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to  announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the  crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took the crabs home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

Some thoughts for the day

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

 

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

 

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

 

Heaven is Where: The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and  It's all organized by the Swiss.  Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and It's all organized by the Italians.

 

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

Welcome to   Utah Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true. The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

 

KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

 

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

 

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.

 

Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde)

 

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

When you work here, you can name your own salary.  I named mine, "Fred".

money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you  Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"  "It's not just one car," screamed Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

 

Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

 

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana

 

 

Super-glue

Under Neat that

Congradulatron (Red)

 

Farting along

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. 

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.  

I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.