My Joke Site: November 2009

My new deodorant

I got this new deodorant today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells awesome.

Diabolical Scam against Older Men

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Safeway, Coles, or IGL customers. This one caught me by surprise and I am still paying the price.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic for me and is having a lasting impact. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something young women come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. I found it impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No, but could you please take us down to McDonalds?' If you agree, they get into the back seat.
When this happened to me, on the way to McDonalds they started undressing. Then one of them climbed over into the front seat and started crawling all over me, while the other one stole my wallet.

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also, on October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, then 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, and then the same thing started all over again in November. It happened three times last Monday and it is quite likely to occur again this coming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant and ready for this scam.

K- Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at the $2 Shop in Sydney Rd and bought out all their supplies.

Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost five kilos just running back and forth from Safeway and Coles to IGL.

Japanese Hotel Service

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ..

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes...'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,

'Manicures, $20.00'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,

'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit

......... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end...

A Christmas Letter to God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had incomplete or illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.

Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me ?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.

Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.

We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those thieving bastards at the post office.

Sincerely

Edna