Apple does it again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
An Irish Blonde Joke
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy,
'Isn't that just like a blonde! We Need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.
Reindeer Games
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year
- Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December
- Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known...
ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers:
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?...
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers:
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?''Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
After-Christmas exercises
At last a sensible Christmas exercise programme to burn off the calories after that third helping of pudding...
If you're over 25 you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme.
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That's enough for the first day. Have some chocolate.
The Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever
Good news is that I truly outdid myself this year with my Christmas decorations. 
The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories...but two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked their cars when they drove by.
Second, a 55-year-old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (and she was not happy). By the way, she was just one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up into my yard.
Blondes
Barking Dog…
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!”
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
Two Blondes at the Drive-in
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
A blonde with her finger shot off
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants.. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.’
Think about it.
Two blondes repairing a car
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde room-mate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The room-mate rolled her eyes and said,
'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
Blonde and the thermos flask
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied.....
...'Two icy poles and some coffee.'
Blonde bereavement
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
Mrs. Malaprop Malapropisms
[obliterate]
[resolve]
[pinnacle]
[proposition]
[hysterics]
[eligible]
[comprehend]
[alligator]
[influence]
[particulars]
[allusions]
[intercepted]
[desisted]
[phraseology]
[exposed]
[article]
[benevolence]
[recommendation]
[apprehend, vernacular, arrangement, epithets]
Read more in Wikipedia
Bushisms
- "Oftentimes, we live in a processed world, you know, people focus on the process and not results."
- "The law I sign today directs new funds... to the task of collecting vital intelligence... on weapons of mass production."
- "It will take time to restore chaos and order."
- "They have miscalculated me as a leader."
- "Natural gas is hemispheric... because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."
- "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."
- "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."
- "We are making steadfast progress."
George W, Bush
Read more in Wikipedia
Celebrity malapropisms
- "Your ambition - is that right - is to abseil across the English channel?"
Cilla Black - "It is beyond my apprehension."
Danny Ozark, baseball team manager - "Listen to the blabbing brook."
Norm Crosby - "This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House - "She's really tough; she's remorseful."
David Moorcroft - "And then he [Mike Tyson] will have only channel vision."
Frank Bruno, boxer - "Cardial - as in cardial arrest."
Eve Pollard - "Marie Scott... has really plummeted to the top."
Alan Weeks - "He's going up and down like a metronome."
Ron Pickering - "He's on 90... 10 away from that mythical figure."
Trevor Bailey, cricket commentator - "Unless somebody can pull a miracle out of the fire, Somerset are cruising into the semi-final."
Fred Trueman - "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile."
George W. Bush - "The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder."
Richard Daley, former Chicago mayor - "He was a man of great statue."
Thomas Menino, Boston mayor - "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
Dan Quayle, Vice President - "Well, that was a cliff-dweller."
Wes Westrum, about a close baseball game - "If Gower had stopped that [cricket ball] he would have decapitated his hand."
Farokh Engineer - "We seem to have unleased a hornet's nest."
Valerie Singleton - "This series has been swings and pendulums all the way through."
Trevor Bailey, cricket commentator - "Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
Mike Smith, ordering a salad at a restaurant - "It's got lots of installation."
Mike Smith, describing his new coat
Read more in Wikipedia
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
How can you tell there's a singer at your door?
They forgot the key and they don't know when to come in!
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When the banjo lands in the exact center of the dumpster
... on the accordion.
How do you get two oboe players to play in tune?
Shoot one of them.
What's the definition of a semitone?
Two oboists playing in unison.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but there are three more standing by thinking, "I can do it better."
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A Flat miner.
How do you get a trombone player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
What do you do if there is a trombone player limping around in your back yard?
Stop laughing and reload.
What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A pizza feeds a family of four.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
Vibrato.
What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What is the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead accordion player in the road?
The snake might have been on its way to a gig.
What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?
Homeless.
How can you tell when the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
How do you know when there's a drummer knocking on your door?
The knocking keeps speeding up and they don't know when to come in.
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the keyboardist can do it with one hand.
Find the one that doesn't fit:
- The Easter Bunny
- An accordion player with a credit card
- Salvador Dali
Answer: c. Salvador Dali. He's dead but at least he's real.
Pensioners 'kidnap and torture' financial adviser with Zimmer frame
See the whole article here in The Age
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