My Joke Site: 2010

Don’t mess with Senior Cits

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

“But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

How to tell you've been really bad this Christmas

Smart Professor

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry, and all of them had an 'A', so far.

These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.

They said that they visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.

Cool, they thought. Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written.....

For 95 points:

Which tire? _________

The secret of enjoying a good wine:

Open the bottle to allow it to breathe
If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

NOTICE: PLS AVOID From …

NOTICE

PLS AVOID From Urin
Drops on edge of Part
Thanks

In other words:

Please don’t piss on the seat.

In a Victoria Street Restaurant
[Sunday, 12th December 2010]

More Santa

SantaLeaks

Read it all here...

Hot and Cold (after sex)

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient:

'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man.

"After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said,

'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her:

'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'

"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied.

''That's because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January.

A frog goes into a bank and …

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says:

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Aging Gracefully

Christmas Cheer

This woman is 51.

She is a TV “health guru” advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and ill health, promoting exercise, a pescetarian diet high in organic fruits and vegetables

She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation and supplements, also making statements that yeast is harmful, that the colour of food is nutritionally significant, and about the utility of lingual and faecal examination.

This woman is 50.

She is a TV cook, who eats nothing but meat, butter and desserts.

So forget “join a gym and eat more celery”. This Christmas, it's food and alcohol all the way.

Merry Christmas!!

COWBOY BOOTS

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

The Gynaecologist Who Became A Mechanic

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said,

"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

“You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added,

"I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

At Last: “The Female Demerit System” explained

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

This is how Michael Cain speaks

Linguistics

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive.

In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up:

"Yeah, right."

Sick Leave

Fred calls into work and says, 'Hey boss, I can’t come to work today, I’m really sick . I’ve got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I can’t come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Fred, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work… You try that.'

Two hours later Fred calls again. 'I did what you said and I feel Great.. I’ll be at work soon.....

....You’ve got a nice house, boss!'

Flower shop for men

Old Timers Bar

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Maroochydore, Australia .

They turned a corner and see a sign that says,

'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.?

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,

'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a
martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis....shaken, not stirred, and says,

'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.

Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying,

'That's 40 cents, please..'

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always
wanted to own a bar.?

Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says,

'Oh, they're all old retired farts from the caravan park waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

It pays to advertise

This is getting serious

We have to stop cutting down trees.

The nun and the cabby

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

clip_image001
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

you have to be single and
you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says,

‘'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.’

I Screwed You All

BlackGuy

Bunning's Story

Charlie was fitting a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

clip_image002

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the assistant to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap set.

When the assistant was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that tap set?"

The assistant replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00".

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's so expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The assistant said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the assistant yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap set."

This is why you can't send a woman to Bunnings!

Men who lack adult supervision

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Daily Exercise Routine For Seniors...

Someone Is Grounded

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker. Billy Connolly

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

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