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The New iShower:
This week only:
Order now and you get the USB shampoo dispenser Free
[normally $99]
© John Sawyer - January 2010
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope!!
For all of you "Car Buffs" out there...
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it,
Even if someone tells him where it is.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
--00--
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
--00--
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
--00--
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
--00--
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
--00--
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!
VERY INSPIRING!
For release at 0900 hrs January 3, 2010: Transport Canada in conjunction with the Department of Homeland Security of the US have cleared up the recent confusion about ‘carry on bags or not’ and the ‘pat down procedures’ on US bound flights by waiving all prior advisories about pat downs and carry on bags and clearly stating the new policy.
Effective January 4, 2010 at 0900 hrs, all passengers boarding all flights intending to land in the US must strip completely naked prior to check-in and both their carry on bags and clothes will be placed in a basket that customers can reclaim at their final designation.
This procedure will result in increased security and comfort for all passengers and will result in more on time departures. As most terrorists are Muslim men and their religion forbids them from seeing naked women, it further hoped that terrorists will avoid flights abiding by the new flight safety rules.
These new rules have been tested thoroughly in an open environment and most passengers seemed to both enjoy the new rules and easily conform. (today's photo of Pearson Airport @ 3:50 PM attached for news wire use).
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... 
And those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of crap.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Crap,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink Wine and talk stupid, than to drink Water and be full of Shit.
There is no need to Thank Me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a Public Service!
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
