One  day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.  'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied  her up and went  golfing.


A  woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.  She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your  bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I  pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get  out.'


Marriage  is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a  husband.


A  Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First,  of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with  the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the  optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' 


Mother Superior called all the nuns  together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case  of gonorrhoea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the  back. 'I'm so tired of  chardonnay.'


A wife  was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her  husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some  more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!  TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE  BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER  listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget  to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the  world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' 

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels  like when I'm  driving.'

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