Ever wondered?

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:

'Do not use while sleeping'.

(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:

You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.

(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:

'Directions:  Use like regular soap'.

(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:

'Serving suggestion:  Defrost'.

(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert

(printed on bottom):

'Do not turn upside down'.

(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

'Product will be hot after heating'.

(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:

'Do not iron clothes on body'.

(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:

'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication'.

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:

'Warning: May cause drowsiness'.

(And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:

'For indoor or outdoor use only'.

(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:

'Not to be used for the other use'.

(Now, somebody out there, help me on this.  I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:

'Warning: contains nuts'.

(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

'Instructions:  Open packet, eat nuts'.

(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:

On a child's superman costume:

'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.

On a Swedish chainsaw:

'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals'.

(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life…

Thanks Doctor
Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?  

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it--don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.  

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?  

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn.  And what are these?   Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?  

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?  

A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain---.good!

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?   

QWill  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?  

A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.  

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?   

A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-RO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?   

A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape!  

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.  

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
        and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
        and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
        and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
        and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.  
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats  
        and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking American is apparently what kills you.

“A small moan from yourself is encouraging …”


Click to enlarge

Click on cutting to see enlargement…

The Maid

The  maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Marriage – Isn’t it wonderful

Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.

Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

Friend #1: What's a GPS override?

Friend #2:

My wife.


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.

We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.

A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."


There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.

It's called marriage.


I've had bad luck with both my wives.

The first one left me, and the second one didn't.


"Needing a man is like needing a parachute.

If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again."

Amazing new diet

I'm on this amazing new diet

You can eat whatever you want whenever you want and as much as you want.

You don't lose any weight, but it's very easy to stick to.

Toilet Humour

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins in Melbourne  and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his
truck goes to the front door and knocks. There’s no answer..

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again – much harder.

Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. “Harro!” says the Japanese man.

“G’day, mate! Where’s ya bin?” asks the collector.

“I bin on toiret,” explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realizing the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

“No! no! mate, Where’s your dust bin?”

“I dust been to toiret, I toll you!” says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

“Listen,” says the collector. “You’re misunderstanding me. Where’s your wheelie bin?’”

“OK, OK.” replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector’s ear:

“I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife’s sista!”

The Irish hooker

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

'Twenty dollars,” she whispers.

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!”

Revision of 60s songs

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo as if it was yesterday”.



They include:

Bobby Darin ---Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits ---Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- -How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face


Johnny Nash ---I Can't See Clearly Now.


Paul Simon---Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver


The Commodores ---Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroomclip_image012








Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer ---You Make Me Feel Like Napping


The Temptations ---Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---Denture Queen

clip_image016 clip_image017

                          "You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?”

Tony Orlando ---Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---It's My Procedure,and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---On the Commode Again


Sex at 74!

I've just found out I can still have sex at 74!

I am so happy because I live at 68,

so it's not far to walk home . . .

Celebs on Sex


Saving the best for last, here it is!


Word Play

  1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  2. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  3. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
  4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
  5. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  6. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  7. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  8. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
  9. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  10. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!