Another Alzheimer's Test

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line out aloud.

Australian Genesis

 

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....  and BBQ's......

He created night for going prawning,  sleeping and BBQ's,  and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide  malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans,chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well.... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.....

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

Cinderella

A pantomime  story to touch your heart  ...............

Cinderella is now  95 years old..

After a fulfilling  life with the now dead prince, she happily sits  upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by  from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. 

One sunny afternoon  out of nowhere, appeared the fairy  godmother.

Cinderella said, 

'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after  all these  years'?

The fairy godmother  replied,

'Cinderella, you have lived an  exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there  anything for which your heart still yearns?' 

Cinderella was  taken aback, overjoyed, and after some  thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first  wish:

'The prince was  wonderful, but not much of an  investor.
I'm living hand to  mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I  were wealthy beyond comprehension. 

Instantly her  rocking chair turned into solid gold.  
Cinderella said,

'Ooh, thank you,  Fairy Godmother' 

The fairy godmother  replied,

'It is the least  that I can  do. What do you want  for your second wish?' 

Cinderella looked  down at her frail body, and  said,

'I wish I were  young and full of the beauty and youth I once  had.' 

At once, her wish  became reality, and her beautiful young visage  returned. Cinderella  felt stirrings inside  her that had been dormant for years. 

And then the fairy  godmother spoke once  more:

'You have one more  wish; what shall it be?' 

Cinderella looks  over to the frightened cat in the corner and  says,

'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old  cat, into a kind and handsome young man.' 

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in  his biological make-up that, when he stood  before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes  of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. 

The fairy godmother  said, 

'Congratulations,  Cinderella, enjoy your new  life.'

With a blazing  shock of bright blue electricity,  the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie  moments,  Bob and Cinderella  looked into each other's eyes. 

Cinderella sat,  breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,  stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. 

Then Bob walked  over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her  rocking chair, & held her close in his young  muscular arms. 

He leaned in close,  blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as  he  whispered...

'Bet you're sorry  now that you cut my bollocks  off'

Under Neat that

Never assume that men understand

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' 

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said,

'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

Never Assume

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.. 

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. 

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. 

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. 

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 

'Why?' asked the pilot. 

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,

'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Bird For Christmas Dinner