Aussie trucker and the Emu

An Aussie Trucker walks into an outback cafe' with an Emu beside him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The trucker says, 'A Hamburger, Fries and a Coke,' and turns to the emu,  'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the  same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be  $9.40
please,' and the Trucker reaches into his pocket and pulls out the  exact  change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A Hamburger,  Fries and a Coke.'

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until Friday. 'The usual?' asks the  waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a Steak, Baked Potato and a Salad,'  says the man.

' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places  it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate,  how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every  time?'

'Well, love' says  the  trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?"

The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers,

'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.’

Thoughts of man

Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

Thought 2

The average man's life consists of:

• Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
• Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and
• at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.

Thought 3

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;  the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced : 'Ladies and Gentlemen.  Today is the luckiest day of my life ...'   Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,  'My daughter finally,  finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . .   But not the poor Groom ! ! !

And  now  the  Best   for  the  Last  . . . . .

Thought 4

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,  'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. 

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted,  'Stop !  Stand still !  If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed,  just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him..  The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?'  the man said  'And where the hell were you when I got married?'

Standards

The best thing about standards is that there are plenty to choose from.

Terminal stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,  asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the  Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew  it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised his back, went  Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before he could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate  him!

The black bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,  'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'  Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

Half price beer

A husband and wife are shopping at Coles in the Local Shopping Centre

The husband picks up a case of VB and puts it in their trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

Walken in Annie Hall

The 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time

Thank you for driving carefully

Legal Aid

One  afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men  on the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out  to investigate. He asked  one man,

"Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the  lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,

"You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,  "But sir, I also have a wife and  SIX children with me !"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task,  even for a car as large as the limo was.

Once under  way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,  "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you  for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied,

"Glad to do it. "You'll  really love my place. The grass is almost a foot  high"