Sayings of Steven Wright


If you're not  familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist  who once said:

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen  and replaced by exact duplicates." 

His mind sees things differently  than most of us do. . .

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd  kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists --  they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below  average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 -  82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience  is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear  conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the  rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe  in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the  worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a  psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK,  so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out  of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you  have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely  anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way,  you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not  having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the  future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... so  far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy  her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked  into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death  twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so  I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for  your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence  that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired  of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just  after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional  to the softness of the bread
29 - To steal ideas from one person is  plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with  the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll  have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your  body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic  memory; some just don't have film.
34 – If  at first you don’t succeed…skydiving is not for  you.

And the all time favorite   -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of  light, would your headlights work?

Life’s tough


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)


I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.


A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly....

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)


I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. 

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!


Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper.

'What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!


A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine

The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' 

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Optometrist: Tell me what you see






Some Useful Sarcastic Remarks

Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day:

  1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
  2. Do I look like a fucking people person?
  3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
  5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
  6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  8. You!... Off my planet!
  9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats.
  10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
  12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  14. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
  15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
  17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
  19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
  22. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
  23. I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
  24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you’ll be receiving if you touch me?
  26. It ain’t the size, it’s... no, it’s the size.
  27. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
  28. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  30. Stress is when you wake up screaming, and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
  31. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
  32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
  36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  38. I plead contemporary insanity.
  39. And which dwarf are you?
  40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  41. Meandering to a different drummer.
  42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Top Ten Country & Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

  9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman
       But I've Woke Up With a Few

  8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

  7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

  6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

  5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

  4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

  3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

  2. She Gets Better Lookin' with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

  1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day