Sayings of Steven Wright

 

If you're not  familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist  who once said:

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen  and replaced by exact duplicates." 

His mind sees things differently  than most of us do. . .

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd  kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists --  they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below  average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 -  82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience  is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear  conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the  rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe  in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the  worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a  psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK,  so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out  of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you  have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely  anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way,  you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not  having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the  future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... so  far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy  her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked  into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death  twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so  I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for  your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence  that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired  of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just  after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional  to the softness of the bread
29 - To steal ideas from one person is  plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with  the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll  have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your  body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic  memory; some just don't have film.
34 – If  at first you don’t succeed…skydiving is not for  you.

And the all time favorite   -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of  light, would your headlights work?