Mobility scooter man carries huge carpet

Breaking News! Cricket:

 

England have beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets at Lords next Thursday.

Paraprosdokian sentences

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
8. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
9. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
13. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
14. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
17. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
18. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
19. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
20. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
21. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
22. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
23. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
24. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
25. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
26. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
27. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
28. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
29. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
30. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
32. Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
33. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
34. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
35. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
36. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
37. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
38. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
39. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
40. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
41. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
42. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
43. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
44. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
45. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
46. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

 

A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation")  is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning, creating a syllepsis .

How to sack an employee

… One of the most brutal examples I heard involved the editor of The Sun in London, Kelvin MacKenzie, who sacked the astrologer when he found out the guy was recycling predictions. MacKenzie sent him a note saying:

"As you will no doubt have foreseen... you're fired."

Read the whole article here

What harm can it do?

Being a Dickhead's Cool

Signs for the Modern Woman!

Stick Figures

 

 

Marriage

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'  
-------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'  
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'  
--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'  
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'  
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
----------------------! -------- 

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'  
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'  
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

What Engineers Do After They Retire

Journalism at its best

Some reflections!

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
   He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Just some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That!
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

A very pretty young speech therapist

 

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action  group.

She had tried every technique in the book  without the  slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you  can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first  ?"

The Englishman piped up.  "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the  speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and  blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy  ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out  "London".

Brilliant, Paddy! Said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally  steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".