The Gynaecologist Who Became A Mechanic

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.  Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The  instructor said,

"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

“You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." 

After a pause, the instructor added,

"I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

At Last: “The Female Demerit System” explained

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

This is how Michael Cain speaks

Linguistics

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive.

In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up:

"Yeah, right."

Sick Leave

Fred calls into work and says, 'Hey boss, I can’t come to work today, I’m really sick . I’ve got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I can’t come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Fred, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work… You try that.'

Two hours later Fred calls again. 'I did what you said and I feel Great.. I’ll be at work soon.....

....You’ve got a nice house, boss!'

Flower shop for men

Old Timers Bar

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Maroochydore, Australia .

They turned a corner and see a sign that says,

'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.?

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,

'Come on in and let me pour one for you!  What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a
martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis....shaken, not stirred, and says,

'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.

Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying,

'That's 40 cents, please..'

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always
wanted to own a bar.?

Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says,

'Oh, they're all old retired  farts from the caravan park waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

It pays to advertise

This is getting serious

We have to stop cutting down trees.

The nun and the cabby

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

 

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, 'I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1. you have to be single and
2. you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says,

‘'That's OK.  My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.’

I Screwed You All

Bunning's Story

Charlie was fitting a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

 

 

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go.

 

While she was waiting for the assistant to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap set.

 

When the assistant was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that tap set?"

The assistant replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00".

 

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's so expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The assistant said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the assistant yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap set."

 

This is why you can't send a woman to Bunnings!