It took me all weekend, but I finally got my tree up!

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place,and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that there are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking.

After awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize  - from the middle shelf'

Singing Christmas Hedgehogs

 

Happy Christmas…

Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.  He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

…ma Sutra

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

   

The head monk, says,

"We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

   

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

 

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !"
 
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot,

"What's wrong, father?" 

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word was... 
  
        "CELEBRATE !!!"

 

I’m about to enter an area of poor reception

… just give it to me straight, Doc

Fire escape FAIL

see more epicfails

Christmas wish

Christmas decorations

More Christmas Stories: click here

Oh, I’m sorry. You must be …

 

Amazon.com

No sleeping on this park bench

 

Near River Street, Richmond, Victoria, Australia.

More Coffee

Click here to see Card Karma's PhotoStream

Drink Coffee

A woman … finds a genie lamp …

A woman walking along the beach finds a genie lamp.

She rubs it and a genie appears.
She says great, can I get three wishes.

The genie says no because of downsizing and the global financial crisis, you only get one.

So she has a think, pulls out a map of the Middle East and says I want to stop these countries fighting.

The genie says that's impossible, these countries have been at it for years.

Netanyahu won't compromise, Hamas is in conflict with the Palestinian Authority, Iran is building nuclear weapons and the whole region is full of dysfunctional governments and crazy militants.

I have been in a bottle for thousands of years, I'm out of shape and I'm not that good.

Do you have another wish?

She says ok I want to find a man who loves me for what I am, who is faithful, fun to be with, helps with the house cleaning, does the cooking, gets on with my family and doesn't watch sport on TV all the time.

How about that?

The genie sighs:

Give us a look at that map again.

Send an anonymous email to an annoying co-worker

 

 

 

 

Not really a joke, but hard to see how the co-worker wouldn’t know.

   Click here to try it out…

Knowledge & Wisdom

 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Stops

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

My desk is a work station.

 

Canadian view of Mount Rushmore

Helpful

 

Is Hell exothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

    Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,

    we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year,

"...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.",

and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true,

and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

Parrots

 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.  I have two female parrots,but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...  that phrase...  in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them... After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!

Fundamental values

Worship – Teaching – Friends

Workplace Safety Notice

It has proudly been 11 days since the last incident…

Washing instructions

A Clean House

Taxidermy TV Commercial

 

“The most life-like dead animals around, period

Gratuitous Eddie McGuire Joke

I remember being stuck in a massive traffic jam on the Eastern Freeway.

A cop was walking from car to car:

"Eddie McGuire is up front, threatening to pour petrol on his Porsche and set it alight. Apparently he's fallen on bad times and the finance company is going to foreclose. We're trying to help out by taking up a collection."

"Have you collected much so far?"

"About 25 litres."

Bush: Countdown to war

Backward Song–Sammy J

Backward Song–Sammy J

Amazing Grace

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years”

Why Jackie Changed Motels

Last week, a lady named Jackie checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely.

She thought,

"I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum....She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?” Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.

“No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.

“Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!!

“Now how does that sound?"

He said,

"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Speaking English

Spiffington Manse

The elegantly costumed and densely furnished stylings of UK period drama "Spiffington Manse" from the much missed Micallef P(r)ogram(me)

Homer at work

Marge:

Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.

Homer:

Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

Ear Infection

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that..  '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

Funniest Joke of the Fringe 2011

1. Nick Helm: "I needed a password with eight characters so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
2. Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
3. Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
4. Tim Key: "Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...once you've hired the car..."
5. Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
6. Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
7. Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
8. Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
9. Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
10. DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved... Heroin.”

Adam is feeling very lonely…

Adam's hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asks him:

''What's wrong with you?''

Adam says he doesn't have anyone to talk to.

God says he'll make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

Adam asks God:

''What's a woman?''

God says:

''This pretty creature will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you passion whenever you need it, and always when you want it.''

Adam asks God:

''What will a woman like this cost?''

God replies:

''An arm, a leg, an eye and a testicle.''

Adam says,

''Whoa, that's a bit extreme. What can I get for a rib?''

Dime a dozen…

Former coach and player Tony Jewell, for example, who was among a group of Richmond players caught in a rip at Sydney's Bronte beach and swept out to sea.

Ironman coach Tom Hafey, who had been sunbaking on the sand, plunged into the water and swam towards Jewell - but went straight past and helped champion centre-half-forward Royce Hart to shore.

Jewell rescued himself and later complained to Hafey that he had almost drowned.

''Tony,'' said Hafey, ''half-back flankers are a dime a dozen.''

Read more: Sports author still kicking goals - The Age

Graffiti Removal

see: Scientific American

Global Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:

FACT:

79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT:

58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:

1 elderly person is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine ........

Finally, a computer prompt I understand!

Imminent collapse of society ...

Due to the imminent collapse of society, we regret that we will close at 6pm tonight.

More insults

• Mailer laid out his longtime nemesis Gore Vidal with a punch at a dinner party. (“Words fail Norman Mailer yet again,” Mr. Vidal retorted from his supine position.) NY Times
• Alain de Botton’s "I will hate you till the day you die"
• Clive James’s famous up-yours poem, The Book of my Enemy Has Been Remaindered.
• "We all know," Mailer began, "that I stabbed my wife years ago. You don't want to forget about it. You're a liar and a hypocrite. Are you ready to apologise?"
  "I would apologise if it hurts your feelings," Vidal said, winning the exchange effortlessly.

Pig with three legs

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said,

"Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."

"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said the man.

"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."

"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."

"And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was."

"Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man said quite annoyed at this point.

"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special... you have to eat 'em real slow."

Worms

4 worms were placed into 4 separate jars.

1st worm was put into a container of alcohol.

2nd worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

3rd worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

4th worm was put into a container of clean soil.

Results:

1st worm in alcohol - Dead.

2nd worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

3rd worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

4thworm in clean soil - Alive.

What can you learn?

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Attitude Problem

 

Grandpa Simpson and Smithers

Police visit

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife, then asked "is this your wife sir?".

Shocked I answered" yes"

They said "I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus".

I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she’s good with the dog."

 

(Boom Boom)

John Kenneth Galbraith–Economics etc

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
  
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
     
Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything.
   
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
   
Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
   
The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking.
  
The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.

It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled sea of thought.  

The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.
     
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.
  
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
  
You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, though it does big things badly, does small things badly, too.

Blackadder–quotes

Blackadder: Your brain's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

 

Blackadder: Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests there are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions than yours. 

 

Blackadder: George, who is using the family brain cell at the moment?

 

Blackadder: I lost closer friends than "darling Georgie" the last time I was deloused.

 

Baldrick: Shall I do my war poem, sir?
Blackadder: How hurt will you be if I give the honest answer, which is, "No - I'd rather French-kiss a skunk?"

 

Blackadder: For us, the Great War is finito, a war which would be a damn sight simpler if we just stayed in England and shot fifty thousand of our men a week.

 

Blackadder: We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which time millions of men have died, and we've moved no further than an asthmatic ant with heavy shopping.

 

Blackadder: Give the likes of Baldrick the vote and we'll be back to cavorting druids, death by stoning and dung for dinner.

 

Blackadder: If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/blackadder/

Plonking: not to be confused with the other current craze!

A friends Mum has invented a new craze  – it’s called “plonking”.

You plonk yourself down in a chair with a glass of  plonk and get someone to take your photograph.

Apparently it’s a real hit with the over 60’s.

Proofreading is a Dying Art these days!

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day. 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

       Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

       What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! They must be UNION !

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Why men should not write advice columns

And we think we’ve got a drug problem?

 WHY OUR GREAT GRANDPARENTS WERE SO MUCH HAPPIER THAN WE ARE

Have you ever wondered why our great grandparents all had such fond memories of their youth?

Well... I'm surprised they remembered anything at all !!!

Forget Tums & Tylenol.

Forget Aleve & Benadryl.

Look at the cool stuff they had back then!

 

A bottle of Bayer's 'Heroin'

Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine.
It was also used to treat children suffering with a strong cough.

Coca Wine, anyone?

Metcalf's Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market. Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.

Mariani Wine.

Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of its time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time. He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.

Maltine.

Produced by the Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York . It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal. Children should only take half a glass.

A paperweight:

A paperweight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne ( Mannheim , Germany ). They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.

Opium for Asthma:

At 40% alcohol plus 3 grams of opium per tablet. It didn't cure you... but you didn't care!

Cocaine Tablets (1900).

All stage actors, singers, teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to 'smooth' the voice.

Cocaine drops for toothache.

Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children very happy!

Opium for newborns.

I'm sure this would make them sleep well. (not only the Opium, but also the 46% alcohol)

It's no wonder they were called, "The Good Old Days".

From cradle to grave... everyone was STONED !

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language was boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

 

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:

"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

 

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

 

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow

 

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

 

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

 

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

 

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

 

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

 

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

 

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

 

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

 

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

 

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

 

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

 

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

 

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

 

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Never assume–always ask

 

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.  Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and
make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,

'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Smart Blonde

This blonde decides one day that she is sick  and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.  Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it Said...

You'll love this...

I know you will...

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist,

"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.  I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.  I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already...  I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself,

"My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him,

"Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said,

"Open your mouth, honey, and show him..."

Sit down, take a moment to cool off and just think …

Sometimes when you are angry with someone, it helps to sit down, take a moment to cool off, and just think about the problem.

 

 

 

 

 

Works for Me!

Some elephant jokes

From wikipedia.org

Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It's full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.
Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.

--oOo--

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: Their color.
Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the elephants.
Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.

--oOo--

Q: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station?
A: Nothing! He didn't notice.

From Time Magazine

Q. How do you lift an elephant?
A. Put him on an acorn and let it grow.

--oOo--

Q. How can you tell there's an elephant in your bathtub?
A. You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

Q. How do you prevent an elephant from charging?
A. You take away his credit card.

--oOo--

Q. Why are elephants gray?
A. So you can tell them from blueberries.
Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
A. "Here come the elephants."
Q. What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?
A. "Here come the blueberries," because she is color blind.

--oOo--

Q. Why do elephants wear sneakers?
A. To creep up on mice.
Q. Why do elephants wear green sneakers?
A. To hide in the tall grass.
Q. Why do elephants wear red sneakers?
A. Because their green ones are in the laundry.

Commercial

Contains coarse language:

Another Jewish Mother joke

A 20-year-old Jewish girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for 2 months and is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you?
I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half-an-hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and says: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem.

"I am sorry but I am unable to marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take full responsibility. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you.....err....suggest?"

All are silent at this point. The mother places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says decisively:

"So, you should try again."