Ear Infection

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that..  '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

Funniest Joke of the Fringe 2011

1. Nick Helm: "I needed a password with eight characters so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
2. Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
3. Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
4. Tim Key: "Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...once you've hired the car..."
5. Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
6. Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
7. Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
8. Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
9. Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
10. DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved... Heroin.”

Adam is feeling very lonely…

Adam's hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asks him:

''What's wrong with you?''

Adam says he doesn't have anyone to talk to.

God says he'll make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

Adam asks God:

''What's a woman?''

God says:

''This pretty creature will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you passion whenever you need it, and always when you want it.''

Adam asks God:

''What will a woman like this cost?''

God replies:

''An arm, a leg, an eye and a testicle.''

Adam says,

''Whoa, that's a bit extreme. What can I get for a rib?''

Dime a dozen…

Former coach and player Tony Jewell, for example, who was among a group of Richmond players caught in a rip at Sydney's Bronte beach and swept out to sea.

Ironman coach Tom Hafey, who had been sunbaking on the sand, plunged into the water and swam towards Jewell - but went straight past and helped champion centre-half-forward Royce Hart to shore.

Jewell rescued himself and later complained to Hafey that he had almost drowned.

''Tony,'' said Hafey, ''half-back flankers are a dime a dozen.''

Read more: Sports author still kicking goals - The Age

Graffiti Removal

see: Scientific American

Global Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:

FACT:

79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT:

58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:

1 elderly person is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine ........

Finally, a computer prompt I understand!

Imminent collapse of society ...

Due to the imminent collapse of society, we regret that we will close at 6pm tonight.

More insults

• Mailer laid out his longtime nemesis Gore Vidal with a punch at a dinner party. (“Words fail Norman Mailer yet again,” Mr. Vidal retorted from his supine position.) NY Times
• Alain de Botton’s "I will hate you till the day you die"
• Clive James’s famous up-yours poem, The Book of my Enemy Has Been Remaindered.
• "We all know," Mailer began, "that I stabbed my wife years ago. You don't want to forget about it. You're a liar and a hypocrite. Are you ready to apologise?"
  "I would apologise if it hurts your feelings," Vidal said, winning the exchange effortlessly.

Pig with three legs

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said,

"Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."

"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said the man.

"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."

"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."

"And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was."

"Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man said quite annoyed at this point.

"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special... you have to eat 'em real slow."