Gratuitous Eddie McGuire Joke
I remember being stuck in a massive traffic jam on the Eastern Freeway.
A cop was walking from car to car:
"Eddie McGuire is up front, threatening to pour petrol on his Porsche and set it alight. Apparently he's fallen on bad times and the finance company is going to foreclose. We're trying to help out by taking up a collection."
"Have you collected much so far?"
"About 25 litres."
Amazing Grace
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. 
And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years”
Why Jackie Changed Motels
Last week, a lady named Jackie checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely.
She thought,
"I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum....She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?” Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
“No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
“Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!!
“Now how does that sound?"
He said,
"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Spiffington Manse
The elegantly costumed and densely furnished stylings of UK period drama "Spiffington Manse" from the much missed Micallef P(r)ogram(me)
Homer at work
Marge:
Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer:
Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.
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