The painter and the dodgy paint
There was a painter named Dave who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
The local church decided to do a big restoration job. Dave put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down ...
Well, Dave was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Dave clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Dave was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke ...
"Repaint, repaint; and thin no more!"
Cross-examination
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
I have a spelling checker
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Golfing accident
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
“Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!”
The day that Albert Einstein feared may have arrived
Having a coffee with friends
A day at the beach
Cheering on your team
Having dinner with friends
Out on an intimate date
Having a conversation with your BFF
A visit to the museum
Enjoying the sights
Five Smart Arse Answers
SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, hey?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering ...
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
There are three kinds of people...
There are three kinds of people:
those who understand maths and those who dont.
those who understand maths and those who dont.
![308144_4221308204827_1430878334_n[1]](http://lh3.ggpht.com/-BT3AdRiElbY/UGnqaUpIRGI/AAAAAAAAIC0/XsVhIbWVHNA/s1600-h/308144_4221308204827_1430878334_n%25255B1%25255D%25255B2%25255D.jpg "308144_4221308204827_1430878334_n[1]")
Maybe we should hire a consultant …
Maybe we should hire a consultant to figure out why production has slowed down.
What's the difference between a banjo player …
Q: What's the difference between a banjo player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Prince Harry says to The Queen
Prince Harry says to The Queen,
"I say Nanny, I can't find my personal packet of ginger biscuits - have you seen them?"
The Queen says
"No dear, I'll ask your grandfather."
"Philip - Have you seen Harry's ginger nuts?"
Prince Philip replies
"I think the whole bl**dy world has seen them by now, Liz!"
iPhone 5 Maps–Hey we all make mistakes
Drive though a shopping centre
Where’s Sydney
Derwent River Blocked
(Google on right)
Where’s the MCG?
See more at The Age
Busy
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?'
' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No .' ;
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
' Yes, she's out in the garden too '
The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, ' No .'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
' The search team just landed a helicopter',
'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle....
'ME.'
Have you heard about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac…?
Have you heard about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac who used to lie awake at night and wonder if there was a dog?
English lesson
English Teacher:
“In English, a double negative forms a positive.
“In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
“However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."
Bitten by a rattlesnake
My friend Timmy was once bitten by a rattlesnake, and if I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he'd still be alive today.
What do retired people do to make their days interesting?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a ****-head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go to the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into Heaven.
The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him -- he really didn't come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavoury characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be re-united with my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"
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