Funeral expenses
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .
The undertaker asked him,
"why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"
The husband replied,
"Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead...
I just can’t take that chance!"
The problem with getting quotes off the Internet
"The problem with getting quotes off the Internet is, you can never tell if they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln
You know you’re Australian if …
- You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
- You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.
- You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
- You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
- You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'
- You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
- You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
- You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
- You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
- You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
- You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
- You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
- Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course.
- You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And "Living next door to Alice".
- You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
- You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
- Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
- You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite.
- You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
- You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
- Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
- You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.
- You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
- When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
- You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in
-o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc. - You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.
- You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
- You have, at some time in your life, slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
- You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
- You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.
- You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
- You understand what no wucking furries means.
- You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
- You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.
- You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
- You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.
- And you will forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand!!!
How to write good–Part B
- Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
- It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.
- Avoid archaeic spellings too.
- Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
- Don't use commas, that, are not, necessary.
- Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
- Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
- Subject and verb always has to agree.
- Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
- Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispeling and to catch typograhpical errers.
- Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
- Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
- Don't never use no double negatives.
- Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.
- Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
- Eschew obfuscation.
- No sentence fragments.
- Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
- A writer must not shift your point of view.
- Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
- Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
- Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
- If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
- Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
- Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
- Always pick on the correct idiom.
- The adverb always follows the verb.
- Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
- If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be by rereading and editing.
- And always be sure to finish what
see How to write good - Part A
see Plain Language
How to write good–Part A
- Avoid Alliteration. Always.
- Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
- Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
- Employ the vernacular.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren’t necessary.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- One should never generalize.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
- Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
- Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
- Profanity sucks.
- Be more or less specific.
- Understatement is always best.
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
- One word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
see How to write good - Part B
see Plain Language
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