Funeral expenses

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband,

"You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .

The undertaker asked him,

"why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied,

"Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead...

I just can’t take that chance!"

To do list - 2

I dream of a better world

To Do List

The problem with getting quotes off the Internet

"The problem with getting quotes off the Internet is, you can never tell if they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

Your nearest first aid box ...

You know you’re Australian if …

  • You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
  • You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.
  • You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
  • You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
  • You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'
  • You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
  • You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
  • You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
  • You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
  • You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
  • You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
  • You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
  • Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course.
  • You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And "Living next door to Alice".
  • You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
  • You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
  • Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
  • You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite.
  • You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
  • You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
  • Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
  • You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.
  • You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
  • When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
  • You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in
    -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.
  • You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of matter where you actually are.
  • You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
  • You have, at some time in your life, slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.
  • You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.
  • You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.
  • You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
  • You understand what no wucking furries means.
  • You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
  • You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.
  • You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
  • You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.
  • And you will forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand!!!

Living on the edge

Smart phone

How to write good–Part B

  1. Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
  2. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.
  3. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
  4. Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
  5. Don't use commas, that, are not, necessary.
  6. Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
  7. Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
  8. Subject and verb always has to agree.
  9. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
  10. Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispeling and to catch typograhpical errers.
  11. Don't repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
  12. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
  13. Don't never use no double negatives.
  14. Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  15. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
  16. Eschew obfuscation.
  17. No sentence fragments.
  18. Don't indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
  19. A writer must not shift your point of view.
  20. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
  21. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
  22. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
  23. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
  24. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
  25. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
  26. Always pick on the correct idiom.
  27. The adverb always follows the verb.
  28. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
  29. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be by rereading and editing.
  30. And always be sure to finish what

see How to write good - Part A

see Plain Language

How to write good–Part A

  1. Avoid Alliteration. Always.
  2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
  4. Employ the vernacular.
  5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
  7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  8. Contractions aren’t necessary.
  9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  10. One should never generalize.
  11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
  12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
  13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
  14. Profanity sucks.
  15. Be more or less specific.
  16. Understatement is always best.
  17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  18. One word sentences? Eliminate.
  19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
  21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

see How to write good - Part B

see Plain Language

Warning …

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