A most unusual funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”
The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied, “Get in line.”
Another Collingwood joke
A Collingwood girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" she replies.
"Ten?"says the Centrelink worker. "What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Collingwood girl. "If they playing in the street I just shout NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED and they all do it ..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed Centrelink worker.
"Easy," says the Collingwood girl ... "I just use their surnames."
(that’s awful, discriminatory and funny)
The Kingdom of Heaven
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said,
"The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter,
"What on earth does Jesus mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?
Peter said,
"Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."
Lunch
A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because they had never been there before.
35 years married
After 35 years of marriage, a husband & wife went for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife began listing every problem they had ever had: constant disagreement, over-spending, neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, failure to keep promises etc.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk &, after asking the wife to stand. He embraced her for a long while & then looked her in the eye and told her he loved her, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said,
"This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband replied,
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Paraprosdokian
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- "A modest man, who has much to be modest about." —supposedly Winston Churchill, about Clement Attlee
More in Wikipedia: here
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